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01.she can drink you under the table.




02.she loves surprises.


03.she happens to be a more caring mother than most.


Lucille: If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all of my children equally.
Lucille: [earlier that day] I don't care for Gob.


Lucille: I happen to be a more caring mother than most.
Buster: Where’s my bed?
Lucille: I put it in storage. I guess you’ll just have to decide which Lucille you want to spend your nights with!


Lucille: I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.


Michael Moore Impersonator: Alright, your company is being accused of profiting off of the buildling of houses in Iraq.
Lucille: That’s crazy, we’re all loyal Americans.
Michael Moore Impersonator: Oh, yeah? Would you enlist your son or daughter in the Army?
Lucille: ...Yes.


Lucille: You better not let Lindsay find out, she'll be devastated.
Lindsay: What?
Lucille: Your husband's dating Kitty the whore.
Lindsay: Oh my God! That's horrible.
Lucille: Do I know my daughter?


Lucille: Dinner's ready. We're having Lindsay chops. What? I just want her to be ready in case some bully at school is as clever as I am.
Narrator: No bully ever would be.

04.she can make people disappear.


Lucille: Let Mama worry about Mr. Vandenbosch.


05.she is a master manipulator.


Lucille: I've been a horrible mother.


Lindsay: Fine. I'll ask Michael. He'll give it to me.
Lucille: Well, maybe if you get him drunk. It's the only way he'll give money to someone who calls a "stay-in-bed-mom."
Lindsay: He said that about me?
Lucille: I know it was harsh but, you know, he thinks you're completely irresponsible. A stay-in-bed mom... Probably because you don't work and you're lazy. Oh ... his words.



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